Confession: During the summer I like to let my brain and better judgment go on vacation. This means I listen to country music and watch really horrible TV.
Which is really the only explanation I can give behind why I watched last summer’s The Bachelorette…which led to me watching this past winter’s The Bachelor and this summer’s The Bachelorette. See, whoever got rejected the worst on one season (and looked best in a bikini) gets to come back on the next season and try again to find love. Because America watched them experience heartbreak before so we all are rooting for them to find true happiness.
People, this is love.
I am not even going to begin to describe all that is wrong with this show, but I do invite you to go here to read the funniest description of it ever. I watch the show with equal part fascination and horror, as it is designed to bring out the absolute worse in every single person on it. In other cultures, there is a word to describe one man showing up to an elaborate mansion to smooze with beautiful ladies and bestow gifts on his favorites: a HAREM.
People, this is a problem.
But my personal favorite part of the show (other than the way that Chris Harrison dramatically announces when there is one rose left to give. Yes, Chris, the bachelors(ettes) are obviously deluded to go on this show, but I think they are still capable of the elementary skill of counting, at least in single digits.), is how every.single.person. goes through the same steps in falling in love. Because obviously, anyone would fall in love with anyone else given enough hot-tubs, champagne, and helicopter rides.
Behold, I give you the “Steps to falling in love” as seen on the Bachelor (ette).
- “Feeling that connection.” This is important. When you step out of that limo and have the most awkward greeting ever, you better feel a connection. To up the connection, giving awakward tokens for the Bachelor(-ette) to remember you by is a good sign.
- Letting everyone know that you’ve been “hurt before.” This is crucial because it lets the Bachelor (-ette) know that your heart is a fragile little thing that he (or she) better take of. It also gives you a chance to pause dramatically in the middle of sentences, let a tear sparkle for the cameras, and offers the producers a chance to cue the soft music.
- “Opening yourself up for love.” Once you have admitted your former pain, it is important to instantly let the Bachelor(-ette) know that your fragile little heart is open to love, and your hands open to receiving those illusive roses. Declaring yourself open to love is best done on a one-on-one date after you bared your soul (see above) in a stolen (and much gossiped about) moment on a group date.
- Really bad analogy involving some natural structure and an action verb. After declaring yourself open for love, it is important to really let him/her know that you are ready for the next level. This is best done through veiled references like “We are at the edge of a cliff and we need to jump” or “I just feel like we are diving into a precipice.” Typically, producers will sense your eagerness to express this next level and they will facilitate a date that lets you ACTUALLY do what you described. As you skydive/bungee jump/ risk your lives in skimpy clothing, you will know that it is love.
- “Having serious doubts.” By this point, you are pretty much ready for a ring, having seen the bachelor(-ette) at least 5 times. But first, you have to have some doubts, preferably while standing on a balcony and letting the wind ruffle your hair across your furrowed brow. These doubts often center around the fact that you’ve been hurt before and want to love, but the person you love is also “establishing connections” (read: making out in hot-tubs) with lots of other people. On national television.
- Proposal. Duh, doubts are gone. Because in that final moment you are given a ring that the giver sacrificed absolutely nothing to give you. And you are so happy because you never thought this would happen but you’ve found love again.
Who knew a) that love was lost and b) that it could be found on reality TV? Truly, the modern world is an amazing thing.